By Dana Hendricks, Florence
Dear Steve Daines and Greg Gianforte,
I think you’d better update those resumés. Here, I’ll give you a hand:
[Steve Daines] [Greg Gianforte]
[Address]
[Phone number]
[Email address]
EXPERIENCE
Former Republican [senator] [representative] for the State of Montana. While in office, I achieved the following:
• I helped a greedy, criminal, lying, racist, xenophobic, misogynistic, sociopath-con-artist-bully escape being removed from office after he was impeached for trying to use taxpayer money to extort a political favor from a foreign nation.
• By so doing, I assisted in the negligent homicide of over 25,000 Americans, including nurses, doctors, the elderly in nursing care facilities, and at least one U.S. Navy sailor aboard the U.S.S. Theodore Roosevelt.
• Additionally, I allowed the president to enrich himself, his family, and his rich friends through the office of the president in many ways, including historic tax cuts to the wealthy and most recently, through the selling of almost 18 tons of the nation’s personal protective equipment (PPE) to China at the onset of the global pandemic, all while telling American citizens it was a hoax.
• I also looked the other way when it became clear that Russian president Vladimir Putin had an unusually strong influence over the president. I did this despite growing evidence that the president had secured millions of dollars in loans from Russia, which was the likely reason the president did Putin’s bidding, even when it went against U.S. interests.
• I also enabled the president to remove crucial environmental protections, increasing the rate of global climate change, which I know is a real phenomenon—because I’m not stupid—but which I loyally pretended was not real because that was the president’s opinion—because he is stupid.
• While in Congress, when my Democratic colleague Jon Tester was being personally attacked by the president, I kept my head down and did not defend him, grateful that I was not the target of the president’s wrath.
• I did this and so much more to help the worst, most incompetent, and most dangerous president in the history of the United States destroy our institutions and our democracy itself. I did little else while in office, due to the daily chaos of the Trump administration.
AREAS OF EXPERTISE
• Body slamming and choking reporters [sorry, Steve, this one is just for Greg].
• Avoiding my constituents by holding tele–townhall meetings.
• Supporting the president until it looked likely that he would lose in 2020, then suddenly showing a highly enthusiastic interest in working with Democratic Senator Jon Tester and doing TV commercials to show what a bipartisan and hardworking kind of guy I am.
OBJECTIVE
I am currently seeking employment in the private sector, where I hope to use my background and experience most effectively, perhaps as an administrator at Trump University or at the Trump Foundation charitable organization, or at any other highly regarded institution.