Have you bought permission to keep a dog?

by Roger Mitchell, Stevensville

Oh, my! I found a flyer posted on a bulletin board recently. My response was inevitable. I just cannot be quiet. The compelling need to expound and elaborate on the public promotion of “compassionate government” displayed is too much for me to resist. After all, what you don’t know CAN hurt you. And your dog, especially if the mutt is NOT registered, recorded, chipped, jabbed, neutered, and protected.

The Carrot: “If your dog gets loose and has a Town of Stevensville tag, we can contact you and aid in reuniting you with your dog.”

Isn’t that nice! Government at its very best!! The Town of Stevensville has a vested interest in making sure that you and your beloved dog are not separated, but if you are, it will do whatever it can to bring you back together. What a beautiful idea! After all, love for its citizens and taxpayers is one of the hallmarks of government, especially at the local level, where names and faces are connected. Council forbid that anyone should run the risk of losing their dog!

The Stick: “If you live in town limits, it is a town ordinance, and you can be cited for having an unlicensed dog. Resolution No. 536.”

Ah, out comes the club. You will license your dog, dammit, or else! Unlicensed dogs will not be allowed or tolerated. Don’t even try. Don’t think you can get away with Breaking the Law! Conform. Comply. Obey. Or else!

The Conditions: Your dog’s vaccinations must be current and up to date. If they are not, the implied message is that you will be denied a license to “own” a dog, which means that you are in violation of Resolution No. 536. See the Town Clerk on your way out to pay the tax, er, I mean, fine. BTW, this requirement is for your own good, since everyone knows that “unvaxxed” dogs are a threat and a menace to other dogs which have already been “jabbed and boosted.” Y’know, kind of like the Covid thing. But, one can never be too safe and if it means that the “safe and effective” shots must be mandated, well, then, that is the price you pay for freedom and the “right” to have a dog.

The Cost: $10.00, due and payable every year from now until forever, unless the rate is increased, at which time you will be notified. Oh, one exception. If you are a “Senior Citizen” (meaning you have reached the hallowed status of Old Age by some quirk of nature), you are entitled to a 50% discount on the cost of your dog’s license, because the Town of Stevensville knows what a burden it is for its richest citizens to be told to cough up an extra five bucks a year. More probably, it knows that older people are politically active AND THEY VOTE, which explains everything.

But wait, as the TV ads shriek, there’s more.

Not only are you forbidden to keep a dog without paying the “toll,” but you must also reach deep into your wallet if you want to have a rabbit, a chicken, or a duck. However, because these are exotic species (more so than the plain, mundane dog), the fee demanded is increased to $25.00, also presumably due and payable annually. That’s right! If you want to keep a rabbit in your house as a pet, you must buy permission from the Town, which is always looking out for your welfare. Just think about it. Should the rabbit escape and go on the lam, at least the Town will know where it is supposed to be and will make every effort to get it home “safely,” that is, if it is also tagged properly. There is nothing listed here about price breaks for the “sainted gray hairs,” however. Maybe the Town is trying to discourage its oldsters from engaging in the practice of cuddling rabbits.

Chickens? Ducks? Pay up! Just do it. I am surprised, however, that there is no mention of vaccination records for these species. With all the hype and hoopla of “Avian Flu epidemics” and the controlled, government mandated killings of millions and millions of birds, a rational person would think that the Town of Stevensville would at least make noises about “safety” in this regard. But, nope. Crickets. Which only goes to show the extent of the compassion the Town has for its most vulnerable citizens. Better to simply price them out of the market.

(Disclaimer: In just a little over a month, I will experience my 66th birthday and I have had gray hair for years. I do not, however, have any sympathy for the “victim” mentality of the Boomer generation. I think that if a price break were to be given to anyone, it should be a young couple with kids who are just getting started in adult life. They need help.)

One question I have for the Town is why they did not include cats, horses, or cattle into this mix? What about guinea pigs which are almost as loud as rabbits, but stink more? What about canaries? Or because geese were excluded, does that mean that someone can put up a pair of honkers in their backyard? For that matter, an unrestrained boa constrictor is probably more of a threat than a dog (at least to those who keep pet mice), yet nothing is said about those. Why doesn’t the Town simply outlaw ALL animal husbandry (oops, bad word) unless express permission is granted, with the appropriate requisite fee being paid, of course.

Of course.

Oh, my! It’s a good thing I don’t live within the town limits or there would be trouble. More than likely, I would have to run for a seat on the Council simply to create opposition for this kind of shakedown. Because that is literally what it is. A shakedown. As it is, I’ll just raise a ruckus from the safety of my own space not far from the scene of the crime and maybe, just maybe, someone else may sit up and take notice.

Let’s get real, here. A license is nothing more than permission granted by a recognized authority to an individual with regard to conducting some manner of activity. Permission. Permission granted. Permission denied. Call it whatever you want, but boiled down to the bare essence, it means that someone, somewhere, decides what you can and cannot do. And then charges you for the purpose of officially stamping a document.

Your papers, please. As freedom-loving citizens of the United Socialist State of America, we love it and clamor for more.

God help us!