By Michael Howell
Every year the SAFE (Supporters for Abuse Free Environments) hosts a luncheon and shares some vital statistics about domestic abuse in the county with the whole community. The organization also takes the opportunity to present a Courage Award to a survivor of abuse.
This year’s Courage Award went to Patty Walters, a survivor who now wants to help others. Hamilton Police Officer Stephen Murphy was also honored for his outstanding service in handling abuse cases.
It was not easy for Walters to talk about her personal experience with domestic abuse. But she did it in the hope that it might get other victims to seek help before their situation became as desperate as hers.
“No one should see their own grave,” she said, “but I did.” She described how her domestic partner, Patrick Terry Flowers, one day in early May 2014 showed her the grave he had dug in their backyard and told her she would die that night. He beat her and then put his hands around her neck and strangled her until she lost consciousness. She said he must have done something to her while she was unconscious, possibly striking her in the head, and she now lives with traumatic brain injury.
She managed somehow to survive the attack, however, and drive off in her car. Flowers followed her and tried to run her off the road but she had called 911 and a law officer responded. Her partner was arrested and charged with partner/family member assault.
Walters refused a ride to the hospital because she did not want to leave her dog Louie alone on a cold and rainy night. After a bit the officer left and she spent the darkest time in her life alone with Louie. The next morning her sister arrived and they called SAFE. SAFE helped her to get a protective order against Flowers.
Flowers spent one night in jail and posted bail. He returned to their home and to her dismay, she was evicted.
“I was bruised, heartbroken, terrified and now homeless,” she said. She said she had lost all hope and hit bottom, when Flowers called her and told her that she would not live through the weekend.
“I didn’t want him to kill me,” she said, “so I decided to do it myself. I had a gun, but thank God it misfired.” She said Flowers was temporarily held but bailed out once again. She said he was able to stalk her, steal her car, and keep her living in fear for 16 months before he was finally jailed for possession of drugs.
This actually added to her suffering.
“That was painful,” said Walters. “It made me feel like I didn’t matter, but now that he was caught with drugs they would keep him.”
Walters said she is now 48 years old and not emotionally fit to work, so she relies on her family as she tries to patch her life back together. But she is also very grateful for the help she found at SAFE and, even though she is still scared, she’s absolutely committed to help others who may be enduring abuse.
“I will tell my story as many times as I have to,” said Walters, “to make things better for the next person.”
Hamilton Police Officer Stephen Murphy was also honored for his work with victims of domestic violence. Murphy was nominated for the recognition by Dixie Stark, who had an experience where she had to participate in an interview about sexual abuse. She said that she was worried about how the interview would be conducted and whether it would be traumatic for the victim. But her fears were soon allayed by Officer Murphy.
“He demonstrated compassion and kindness towards everyone,” wrote Stark in her nomination letter. She said it meant a lot to her when Murphy spoke to her concerns saying, “The days are long gone when we look for holes in the victim’s story.”
Murphy was humble in response to the honor, saying, “I feel like any officer in the Hamilton Police Department would respond the same way.” He said it was part of the culture of the department.
Keynote speaker at the event was Dr. David Adams, an international expert on men who batter. He has published numerous articles about abusers, writes a popular blog for The Huffington Post, and is the author of “Why Do They Kill? Men Who Murder Their Intimate Partners,” published in 2007.
Adams gave a short talk about some of the myths about abusers that are not only not true but perpetuate damaging misunderstandings. For instance, the widespread belief that abusers are easy to spot. According to Adams, only a quarter of abusers appear aggressive or mean in public.
“The majority of abusers are more likeable than their victims,” said Adams. He said most abusers project a different persona in public and are viewed as friendly people. He also stated that abusers do not generally have anger problems. He said it is more of a control issue than one of anger. He said many abusers, by exercising control over their victims, make the victim feel crazy and look crazy to others, while they appear to be the sane one.
Another common fallacy is the belief that just because a person abuses his partner does not mean he’s a bad parent. In fact, he said, children witness domestic violence or its aftermath 100% of the time. Over 35% of murders of mothers are witnessed by children and 62% of attempted homicides are witnessed by children.
Adams described his own family experience with an abusive father and how the various siblings coped or failed to cope with it.
“Sometimes there is strength generated through coping, but there is always real damage as well,” said Adams.
SAFE’s 24-hour Crisis Hotline is (406) 363-4600. 